Thursday, September 08, 2005

Paradigm Shift

For the first time in a long time tonight I want to stay up and write instead of staying up only long enough to finish my work, craving my bed and sleep.

So let me tell you about my day.

It started at 6:30 a.m. dissatisfaction with myself has given me that restlessness that makes me instantly alert once I’m jerked into consciousness by the obnoxious bleat of the alarm. Satisfyingly mechanical: jeans, t-shirt, hoody, socks, sneakers, ponytail.

I almost wish someone at work had yelled at me today, instead there was only a few irate callers and I was able to sweet talk them into not calling me stupid, hypocritical, useless, and all the other apt names I’ve been called working the job for the past month.

But instead as I’m leaving on the shuttle, speeding onto the freeway, the complex behind me. There’s a California towhee in the grass and it’s got a worm and I want that, God it must be satisfying to be that bird right then.

And my 2nd work numbs me, sweet bliss. So long as I’m instructing, educating, I am moored. Here, now, you are the most important thing to me. That you understand what I am teaching you is vital, all else is immaterial.

And I forgot where the sun went but it is 7 p.m. and I’m finally done. I start walking home and the evening shadows melt into my favorite Berkeley, all darkness and twinkling lights and the cars swishing by on the pavement next to me, their winking headlights dotting the darkness.

I thought I was going to have more to say, about fighting. About scratching my skin with the tab off my soda can to watch the white streaks appear, ritualized marking. About the resistance in my skin to the shard of aluminum, fascinating me while I daydream about running away.

But really that’s it.
It’s just my day.


not I said...

you're beautiful eleanore

...and there really isn't a need to shrug in confusion...

evolve said...

Haven't seen you lately...maybe that's how it works....may I blog within your blog...
unrelated to a post...but always related
David Koresh was absolutely crazy
off the wall
He did it like Lee Harvey Oswald
We know so much of Koresh and Waco...
like when they killed him and his Branch Davidians with firebombs and called it a tragic mistake and some people took the FEMA scapegoat exit out the door
It's in all the textbooks no?
It is permanent lore, no?
Koresh was a menace to society and obviusly some kind of threat to the government...
and he was fuckin crazy right?
But if he had millions and billions, couldn't his name have been Howard Hughes or Rupert Murdoch, Murdoch's millions of minions watching Fox, reading the NY Post, much more influence no?
Stay off the grass and off of the property.
Koresh seemed to want it.
I say, Stay off my grass, off my property.
If I ask you in, it is through a revolving door
Come and go as you please, otherwise I will shoot on sight
Maybe I will change my name to Koresh and indelibly imprint his name back into the collective consciusness.
At worst, it seems, he was a symptom, a by-product of this stupid country who just wanted you to stay off the grass.
I need to do the electron slide and jump orbits
stop being reminded why I don't talk to people for months at a time
What's my co-valence?
Stupidity proliferates at alarming rate is the headline
not as scary as stupidity is breeding everyday insanity every day
If you're reading this there is a 99.8% chance you are a fuckin moron
wise up, wake up

p.s. to US gov't, I have no minions or even money for gas, so don't hassle me