S-FF has a secret to tell you...

I actually kind of like babies and toddlers, I just pretend to hate them so people will get off my case about not wanting to spawn my own little bastards.

And also so people won't expect me to have any kind of maternal instinct.. because that ship has sailed my friends, and I missed the final boarding call.

However, I still maintain that older children should be locked in a cage until their 18th birthday.

Pro-contraception is pro-choice

You know that episode of The Simpsons where Jay Leno and a bunch of comedians guest star? And the Simpsons go to see a comedy show and Janeane Garofalo starts her monologue with "so I started my period today"?

Yeah anyway, I was thinking about how something so objectively unpleasant can actually put me in a good mood. I mean, don't get me wrong, after a week I'm more than over it but the first day I am filled with non-knocked up good cheer. Actually, it's kind of how I imagine being pregnant would be, if you were actually into being pregnant. That glow or whatever.

Maybe I'm just ridiculously neurotic but I honestly sometimes feel my body is out to get me. Being pregnant would destroy my life and yet, if left to its own devices, every month my body gets all kinds of weird ideas about building up endometrial layers and shit. Like I want to welcome the riff raff or something!

Fuck that, I say. Better living through chemistry, I say. And I am filled with the inner peace that comes from beating your body into submission with the help of the pharmaceuticals industry.

And really, I guess it makes sense in a way. To a pregnant woman who wants to be pregnant, her fetus is the future she looks forward to. To me, a period signifies my body has, for another month, safely incubated my own anticipated future.

Self-Fellating Fetus, what say you?

Damn, you're older

The S-FF says "party on Garth Adam."

Ugh... nipple frostbite

You know, it's probably only in some warm southern state like Louisiana that you could get women showing boobies for beads in February.

But speaking of titties, what are you all giving up for Lent?



The S-FF is giving up oral sex.

Merry F'n Christmas Part II

Aww, I can't let American Airline suck all the joy out of Christmas. So here he is!



The Self-Fellating Fetus reminds you: this holiday season, don't drink and gestate.

Back by popular demand

The Self-Fellating Fetus.



However, instead of a huge, purple cock he now holds a cigarette. To remind you that when you smoke, your baby smokes.

(And by popular demand, I mean one person. But I'm sure everyone else is happy to see the Self-Fellating Fetus again, right?)

You Sick Fuck

I got a hit on my blog from somebody searching Google for:

self fellating fetus.

Don't even want to know.

However, what my readers want, my readers get.