Monday, September 17, 2007

Dog days

One of my old bosses used to say, if you want to run with the big dogs you can't piss like a puppy. In retrospect, what a fucking hick.

Time for some stream of consciousness mah peeps.

So it's about a month into the semester and I'm having the first of what I'm sure will be many existential breakdown or whatnot.

I love being in school again, I love being challenged intellectually, I'm not so sure I'm cut out for research though. I love puzzles, I'm just not so great at isolating them. I'm creating a rapid semi-quantitative rabies-related test in the lab and it's fun because I love to tinker but to be honest with myself, I'm not exactly asking any profound research questions this semester.

Baby steps, I know, but I can't fathom a lifetime spent looking for questions when there are already too many problems that need solving. I've always wanted to be a graduate student because of the intellectual challenge but now that I'm actually here, the question of what I'll do afterwards has become much more present. Almost as much as the question of "am I cut out for this? Will I succeed?"

I can handle the workload, I can learn the facts, I just feel like I'm going to let a lot of people down when it comes time to asking the questions. Every day I get knocked down by how little I know and I pick myself up and learn some more but then I feel like I'm so dumb, dull really, and that's a little bit harder to shake off.

Back to work.


Leah said...

I know something that will perk you up a little! I was already working on it, but now it's done. Check my site to see what it is.

Monticore said...

We love you and think you are the best. You should watch the movie Proof it deals with the issues of genius and insanity. It will be good movie when you need to take a break.

edluv said...

i like the photo, although the statement on it seems like it's trying to hard to be profound. and that whole "human being/doing" part is a bit tired.

like me.

i think i'll take a nap.