Sunday, October 23, 2005

An Unequal Rebellion

This is the story of a girl.
Trapped in a world.
Of those things that she does do.
And of those things that she does not do.
But not those things she might do.

I want to be bad.

I’ve always kind of blamed my older brother for making me the good kid by default.
And when I moved away from my family and came to college, I blamed my boyfriend for keeping me on the phone all the time, antisocial, sober, dykish of the 2nd floor of Spens-Black Unit III. And of course there were always the pressing needs of my schoolwork. It’s so easy to put off the effort of going out and doing something when you have the ready excuse at home of textbooks and homework.

And now there’s nothing stopping me but my diploma.

Redemption from the frantic pace of undergraduate life, drink til you puke fuck if you can get it sleep when you can and often not at all cram for exams.

Tragic really, only twenty and I feel like life has passed me by. Tear. Tiny violins. Whatever.

I’m what might be referred to colloquially as a tomboy.
We’ve gone over this before. I’m not a feminist in so many appropriations of that word. American women have had the vote for less than 100 years and I think that is fucking obscene. I have no interest in bonding with the sisterhood or releasing my inner sex goddess. I know goddamn well where my fucking clit is thank you very much.

All I ever have wanted is to drink like a boy, fuck like a boy, play like a boy and Goddamn it I want to swear like a motherfucking boy.
And you know why? Because sneaking around in a black hoody, lighting M-80s in front of frat houses is fun. Way more fun then being a bad girl.

Being bad if you’re a girl is drinking, smoking, drugs, whatever; being a skanky ho, a slut, a lush, fucking around with a lot of different boys. Sex is currency with which a girl might trade for some fuck you attitude. Fine, good, more power to you. More free milk for everybody. Fewer virginal white roses to stomp in the mud.

But sex isn’t dirty, or shameful. A college age girl who doesn’t know where her clit is, who can’t make herself cum, that’s fucking obscene. A girl who fucks, who fucks a lot, she’s not doing anything bad but she’s still is the bad girl somehow.

I don’t want to be the bad girl.

I want you to hit me as hard as you can. I know, Fight Club made it a cliché but it’s true.
I’ve never been in a physical fight and I want to get beaten up. I would sooner inflict pain on myself then ever hurt anyone innocent, but fucking assholes are free game.
I want to destroy shit. Useless shit. Stupid, goddamn shit that makes my fucking blood boil.

I want to be bad.

1 comment:

chosen_reject said...

phew. a very err...daring? and straight from the heart kinda blog u got here. i luv it