Rambling

I was going to post a random update-ish post yesterday night but it turned into a giant, sprawling, whiney angstpost so I decided to keep it to myself. Anyway, I never did get around to my random post.

So, I'm going to Atlanta the first week in March to visit. I guess I did well on the phone interview because a week after I came home to find an e-mail from the administrative assistant asking what airport I would like to fly out of. So you know, that's pretty cool.

Hmm... what else? Hmm..

Oh yeah...

I'm going to fucking Philadelphia on Friday! Not that I'm beyond excited about it or anything. I even bought a teeny-tiny tube of toothpaste and a teeny-tiny bottle of shampoo so I don't have to check my bag.

Because, funny story that, last time I flew I had to check my bag because of the new "three ounces or less" regulation. And then they lost my bag. I guess not really so much funny as shitacular. Moral of the story: they'll pry my duffel out of my cold, dead fingers.

I continue to be irritated at people who condescend to me and tell me I'll want kids when I'm thirty. This happens at work because I have joined my (gay, male) co-worker's "no kids klub" (no, it doesn't really exist) and whenever kids come up we present a unified, not-having-children, front. He gets a pass, because well, he's gay and male. I get the "you'll feel differently when you're thirty" crap. So far the only justification I've heard for this statement is that because they decided they wanted kids when they were thirty, so I'll want kids when I'm 30. I find this incredibly rude. I don't even like children, I've never liked children, why the hell would I suddenly decide I must have one of my very own after 30 years?

Babies I find mildly interesting in an exotic pet kind of way. I don't mind holding them or babysitting them so long as people don't expect me to consider their baby the pinnacle of human achievement, instead of the result of the most basic function of living organisms.

Children are just plain mouthy and there's no need for that. As far as I'm concerned, I'll start wanting to birth babies like I'll start wanting a hole in my head.

But I digress.

I've been thinking about my (lack of) religious belief lately. Wondering what it would feel like to believe in god(s). My parents never encouraged their children in one direction or the other and I've never felt the need to explain the universe with a god. I distinctly remember telling my best friend at six years old that I didn't believe in god. This is the first time I consciously felt there was nothing more, no higher power watching over us, no soul remaining after the brain shuts down. I never really believed in God before but I'd never reached out for one before. This was the first time I reached out and there was nothing there.

It's not that I don't have any beliefs. I believe in the goodness of humans, of myself, most days at least. I believe there is no god but I recognize that this is a belief. I reached out and felt nothing, some people reach out and do find something. There is only absence of proof, so I cannot in good faith say that there is certainly no god.

If you've made it this far, congratulations. Have a cookie.