Soul-exhaustion, when you don’t care that your heart is broken anymore.
I was thinking about that today.
About the time when you have to admit to yourself, to the other person, to everyone that it’s not going to just work out. Turn your back on a person you love.
You draw it out and you draw it out but God damn it you can’t stand it anymore. I wonder why there aren’t more songs written about it. Maybe close to it, but they never really hit it right. It’s a half step off, one sour note and the whole thing is fucked to shit.
It’s that standing face to face, hoarse from crying and screaming and speaking in normal voices. Then just walking away. And you know it’s better that way. And they know it’s better that way. And you’ll hate yourself if you fuck it up again, back into the back and forth. This is fresh air and being able to breathe again. Turning around is just killing yourself a little bit more.
The last time I spoke to him was on the phone the night before he left for Uganda, by way of Boston. After I hung up he kept calling and calling, until I drift half asleep, picking up and hanging up the phone each time so he wouldn’t even be able to get through to my voicemail.
It was a turning point really, the best thing to ever happen to us. I always used to think I’d miss him terribly, horribly, couldn’t live my life to its end without him. It’s funny the things you think.
But, that’s all I guess. Make of it what you will.
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It's hard being on the other end of that gun. Or worse, when someone claims the martyr stance of giving up to exhaustion, when they hardly even tried.
I guess you get used to it.
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