Concert A

I went to Fremont last summer.
In a white Mazda, turning off Shattuck onto University.
With the setting sun in my eyes and he wants to know who I’m pinning for.

Were you asking because you knew the answer?
Did you know it was you?

Do you know the answer is yes?

If you take too shallow a breath, you’ll never complete the phrase, so you use your diaphragm to pull in as much air as you can.

And you bring the flute to your lips.

And you blow, direct your air over the silver lip plate and you get a perfect sweet note.
Blow the air directly into the hole and you get hissy nothingness, the clacking of empty keys.

And this is how it went.

again in the white mazda and going to oakland and the sun it setting and the train is racing the car on the freeway and the car is parked in the garage and the sun it setting and the lights are lighting and the sky blue is deepening to indigo so it is translucent like an overlay and the moon is bright and we’re waiting in line and people are talking all under a slur and inside it is warm and it smells like alcohol and him and theatre lights.

outside in the cold on the sidewalk walking with him leading my arm through his

and this time being driven in the dark and i couldn’t tell you if there was stars because it all the twinkles of lights from humans but it does not matter because i would stay like this for a long time speeding over dark pavement on the highway, the sun set for hours now but it is over too quickly and back in the claustrophobic city

outside in the cold on the sidewalk walking with him leading my arm through his

tongue tied time and tide the ebb of resentment and the flow of affection canceling each other out so that there’s nothing no crashing waves on the sand maybe only a gurgle of a leftover wavelet in and out running into one so there is nothing left to show for it

outside in the cold on the sidewalk walking with him leading my arm through his

and soon we are back from cold and cement and sitting on steps and do you know how long a blue whale penis is because i do and there is frat boys dressed in blue jeans and white shirts waiting by a payphone and we are hiding in plain sight but then we walk back the way i go four times a day easily

outside in the cold on the sidewalk walking with him leading my arm through his

and it does not matter any more that i am tongue tied time and tide because words do not matter any more when you are out beyond the breakers and don’t forget to control your breathing or you will loose your phrasing waiting for the ’ telling you it is ok to breath in as much air as you can get without loosing your timing sucking in greedily and deeply his smell is so thick around you that you bring it in your mouth and taste it with your vestigial vomeronasal organ at the roof of your mouth

outside in the cold on the sidewalk walking him alone this time although i don’t know i was not there to see it.

I have to reach to find these words to describe this, words that I haven’t thought of or used in so long I can’t even believe that I’m allowed to use them since I’m so petrified I’ve forgotten their true meaning.

But there’s a rhythm to my words tonight, can you hear it?